Reading Over the Decades

February has been a hard month so far both on the weather front and on the family front. As I wrote in late January, we were hit with snow and way cold temperatures. And while I rejoiced over being able to walk again in early February, between the remaining icy mounds and then the family matter, I did not walk from February 5 until the 12th, causing me to write where I keep track of my time/distance: FINALLY—A WALK! (Frankly, I'm surprised I only gave that note one exclamation point.)

The family matter was that on the 8th, while making his bed in his apartment, my dad caught his foot in the blankets he'd placed on the floor and went down, breaking his left femur in the fall. If you have to break a leg, Dad did it in the best possible way: one clean, sharp break in his upper femur and not his hip. Surgery was the next day, and a few days later he was released to the Rehab Center at the complex he lives at: all good. Assuming all goes well, he has several weeks of rehab ahead of him before he regains independent mobility (he uses a rollator) and moves back into his apartment. But, as the adult child in the area, I spent most of last week at the hospital by myself or with my sister-in-law Kate, and have been at Rehab every day since then while Dad gets acclimated and settled in. Let's just say a lot (A. Lot.) of my last 8 days has been away from home. I am grateful I still have a father (he will be 93 this August) and do not resent the time one bit. I am also exhausted. 

So while I have been so occupied, other things have gone by the wayside. I was starting to do more photography, and that got sidelined. My reading has been hit and miss, to say the least, both reading blogs (Laurie! Kim! Sam!) of friends and books. And my writing, which I really, really want to delve back into, took a huge hit.

I'm tired right now. And there are chores to do. But by golly, this post has been circling in my head for DAYS and I am going to get it done and posted! 

In recent months, I reread the two books shown above: My name Is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok, and All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque. And out of the gate, I will say both of those books read way different at age 70 (well, almost 70!) than they did when I first read them in my teens. 

Like many younger people, I first read All Quiet when I was high school. A. W. Wheen was the original translator and the version I just read was his translation. (Maybe it is THE English translation.) I think I read it again in my 20s, but then did not pick it up until this winter when it popped up in a Little Free Library.

The cover says "THE GREATEST WAR NOVEL OF ALL TIME." Perhaps the version I read decades ago did too, but I don't remember reading it and thinking that. Good? Sure. The greatest? I don't know if I thought that then or not. 

But I sure do now. At my age, with way more life in the rearview mirror, I am stunned at how Remarque paints the absolute meaninglessness and hopelessness of war. And maybe because I was just finishing the Auden book, in which the author paints a vivid picture of how, for the English, World War I was the war that forever defined England, I was more acutely aware of what that war meant to those who fought in it and those who would have fought had it not ended. As I shared with a friend after reading the Auden, I now realize why World War I was the defining war for my beloved Grandmother Skatzes, despite her sons and grandsons fighting in World War II, Korea, and Vietnam.

And the last lines are heartbreaking and beautiful: 

He fell in October 1918, on a day that was quiet and still on the whole front that the army report confined itself to the single sentence: All quiet on the Wester Front. 

He had fallen forward and lay on the earth as though sleeping. Turning him over one saw that he could not have suffered long; his face had an expression of calm, as though almost glad the end had come. 

And then there's Asher Lev. As I have mentioned before (and more than one time), Asher Lev was put into my hands by one of my English teachers in high school, wanting to make sure I did not stop writing the poetry I wanted to write rather than write "nice" poems. Unbeknownst to her, she kicked open the door to Judaism to me, a comment I made at her memorial service this fall, causing her very devout Christian younger daughter (who I'd been in school with in our teen years) to whirl around in the front pew to stare at me. 

Chaim Potok helped shape my beliefs and spiritual leanings, and truly his memory is blessed. Asher Lev is where it all started. Rereading it now in these times, especially with the sharp rise of antisemitism in this country, impacted me even more. 

I last read Asher Lev in 2018, apparently. Not as long a gap as All Quiet, but long enough. But still, it reads way different at my age than it did before (and that 2018 read may have been a quick read). This time, the conflict that Asher works through as he pursues his artistic calling, in direct conflict with his Chasidic community, his father, and his ancestors, made me all but tremble. It made me think of the different choices and turns my life has held, including those that were in direct conflict with family and others, made me feel the emptiness when I don't write or shoot, and made me grateful that Barb Humphreys took me aside all those decades ago and put Asher Lev in my hands.

I don't know what the next several weeks hold on the Dad front. Continued improvement, I hope. I know there will be time commitments and that just is what it is. Warren is very supportive and that helps me beyond words. 

But I also want the coming days and weeks to hold reading. And photography. And writing.

May it be so. 

Breaking Free

Yep, there's still snow

I walk. A lot. A whole lot. I walk for lots of reasons, not the least of which is for the clarity and peace of mind it brings me.

Because of the snow and bitter temperatures I wrote about in my last post, I have been housebound for days. Oh, I get out and away in the car to run errands or visit my father, things like that. But at a personal level, I am housebound, not daring to risk my wrist (or worse) in a fall on ice. As a result, I last walked on January 24.

Until today.

Today I broke out. Warren teaches on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, and I hazarded a guess that Ohio Wesleyan would have clear walks on its campus. So when he left for class, I rode along with him, hoping to walk.

My guess was correct; my hopes were realized. The campus walkways were clear.

I walked all around campus. I walked to a nearby CVS to pick up some items for my dad. From there, I walked back downtown (crossing campus again) to the library. I was impeded by my choosing to err on the side of caution and wear my winter boots, but I walked all the same. I took a break at our library, then walked back to OWU to meet Warren. All in all, I walked for 70-some minutes, pure heaven.

I learned a few important things from my walking today. (1) The core downtown is pretty good—not perfect, but darn close—when it comes to cleared sidewalks, which means I could wear my Hokas next time, which would make my feet a lot happier. (2) It is all but impossible to cross Sandusky at Harrison  to get to CVS on foot (My, what Big Snow Piles we have!) and I will not gamble on doing that again until the snow melts, which is probably weeks from now. 

Don't get me wrong. There is plenty to keep me happily occupied at home, besides being here with my favorite person in the world, who is also usually here. While at the library, I grabbed a jigsaw puzzle from the Take One/Leave One shelves. I have books, I have baking, I have Justice Bus this week, I have letters to write. Life is good. 

But dang, it was wonderful to break free today! 

Life In the Icebox

A lot of this country is experiencing record-breaking snowfalls and cold temperatures. I cannot begin to match my friend Tani in Minneapolis, but central Ohio has not been a cakewalk. Let's just say that I have been pretty housebound—albeit not entirely housebound—since last Saturday. 

The snow came in mostly on Sunday, with our area getting 11+ inches. A lot of other places got a lot more snow, but they can keep that record. The bigger issue here is the extreme cold. Way cold. Again, other places are colder, but it is no small deal when the morning temperature is -7, as it was yesterday.

And that was not the coldest place we were yesterday. Warren does business with a small metal plating shop in Piqua, Ohio, and had bars to pick up. We drove over yesterday morning, leaving here around 6:30 a.m. and arriving there just before 8:00. The roads were in pretty decent shape (we took US 36 over); drivers were nonetheless driving carefully. ODOT trucks were dropping salt on the highway the farther west we went. 

Our car tracks the outside temperature and is usually within one or two degrees of any electronic board showing the temperature. So we watched it as we drove: -7, -3, -11. -8. The temps went up and down often in response to whether we were near water, for example, or passing by a large field. When we got to our destination, the temperature read -16.

-16.

And that was without any wind chill. 

In short, pretty darn cold. 

We had deliberately planned to stop for breakfast at a small diner, The Farmer's Daughter, that we have passed each time we make the trip to Piqua. The diner is on the main street of Urbana, Ohio, a small community we keep telling ourselves we need to come back and explore one of these days. (Not right now, trust me.) After getting the bars loaded, we headed east and to breakfast.

We had suspected the diner was either a community hub or had excellent food or both. It was both. Breakfast was excellent and plentiful. I enjoyed watching diners coming in and greeting one another and exchanging talk about the temperatures, what was closed, how they were staying warm. As all schools in most of the state are closed because of the extreme temperatures, parents and children or parents and teens also came in, adding to the talk. It was the kind of place where regulars were comfortable stepping into the coffee/drink area to chat with a staffer. 

And it was the kind of place where the owners recognized they had an older clientele and had handicap grab bars in both of the bathroom stalls in the women's bathroom. Be still my heart! 

When the waitress brought us our bill and asked us how the food was, we praised everything. She talked about how much of their baked goods they do right next door in a bakery the diner owns. I commented on the sourdough toast I had ordered with my plate, adding I had chosen it because I bake too. She lit up. "We're looking for a part-time baker," she said, laughing because she knew how far we had come that morning. "Might be a bit of a drive..."

 Yep, might be. But as I told Warren as we drove home, if we did live in Urbana, I'd be tempted to apply for that job. Not because I need to earn income, not because I am bored with my life, but because being part of that community would be fun. 

While I finish typing this, the sun is shining brightly. Our backyard, which I can view out my second floor study window, is a long wash of shining snow and tree shadows. It is 18 out, a veritable heat wave. But worry not, that's only for now. Predicted low tonight? -6.

Life in the icebox continues.

Indeed It Came

While not a major storm, it did indeed snow last night. Let's just say I am glad we got the garden down. This was the view out our bedroom window this morning:

It is unlikely we"ll be eating outside until, oh, maybe next spring:

Table for one? Or two? Or...none? 

Winter poses its own issues: colder (need more heat inside) and slipperier (need more caution outside) being two of the top ones. It was winter when I took the spectacular fall that left my wrist in pieces, after all. 

But, for me, winter's gifts outweigh its disadvantages. They always have. I savor the quiet outside (snow is a great silencer). I relish the early evenings and the warmth of our living room: literally and figuratively. 

I love winter. 

Yes, I know we are still about six weeks from the official start of winter. Here in central Ohio, after the next few wintry days, we are supposed to have weather back in the 50s, proper fall temperatures. Many trees are still holding onto their leaves, although certainly this snow interlude will hurry that process along. I will deeply appreciate those autumn days when they return, trust me. 

But for now, I am savoring the touch of snow and the hint of what is to come:

It's all good. 

This Year's Gardens: Last Chapter

The garden is down.

The garden is officially down and 2025 outside is done, done, done.

We have had a few "light frost" nights and for those we brought some potted plants in from the deck and covered the larger planters and the vegetables. But Sunday is bringing rain changing to snow and temperatures down in the 20s.

The vegetable garden covered

No amount of covering is going to stave off temperatures in the 20s. In short, the 2025 gardening season is over. 

I tackled taking down the vegetable garden.  We had already taken down the Hej Garden back in August, so at least that was out of the way. Given all of the demands on our schedules this fall, and given my currently working through depression, I thought throwing myself into some basic outdoor work would do me good. And it did. I worked an hour and a half on Thursday and two hours on Friday, with good results both emotionally and garden-wise.

I started on the wild jungle of tomatoes. Originally, I had planted three (3!) larger tomato plants and four (4!) cherry tomato plants. Easy, right? Way less than in recent years, right? What I did not count on was all the "other" factors that impacted the garden: my hospitalization in June, for example. Nor did I expect the cherry tomatoes to go hog wild and grow up and over and around EVERYTHING. The three larger tomatoes, in the front row, became lost in the cherry vines. Even with both careful pruning and wholesale hacking on my part, the cherry tomatoes took over everything they could, going all the way over to the garage wall in their exuberance. So I knew before starting that I had a bit of a chore ahead of me.

"A bit of a chore." There's an understatement.

I also knew before wading into the garden that there were still cherries ripening and coming on, so I took along our dishpan to put them in. It filled up:

I also knew this project would generate a lot of yard waste and I was not mistaken on that front either:

The first of two containers

At the end of the Thursday afternoon session, I figured I was about halfway through the tomatoes with the peppers and basil yet to go. I had been at Justice Bus from 9:00 to 2:00 that day already, so I was pleased I had enough energy to get even that far. I also knew I wanted to finish it off on Friday, and so set my sights on getting an early start.

At 7:45 the next morning, I went outside and surveyed the scene. What if I start on the peppers first? I had planted 14 plants back in May, 13 of which were still intact. (The 14th? I had stepped on it way back in the late spring.)  As I had with the first attack on the tomatoes, I made sure to pick all the remaining peppers from the vines. Let's just say there were a lot. A. LOT.

Peppers! 

Plant by plant, I picked and pulled. The stakes piled up. So did the yard waste.

But I finished the peppers and yanked the basil. That left the remaining tomatoes. Again, I gathered many of them, red and green. (An aside: Why the green ones? Two reasons: (1) some of them will ripen inside, and (2) I may (may) make green tomato relish again this year. Maybe. We'll see.)

There were a lot of tomato vines: 

What made me smile the most was coming across several vines still putting out blossoms, letting me know that hope springs eternal even in a tomato plant:

Blossoms on the tomato vines

By the end of the two hours, I had completely filled both yard waste containers. In fact, there was some plants, mostly the basil (which died earlier, even covered; basil does NOT like cold temperatures) that I will go out later today and bag up. While I out there working, I took down the wind chimes and, of course, brought in the ceramics from Ben and Sam long long ago.

The chimes on the deck waiting to go inside

The ceramics ready to move inside

(In case you are wondering or remembering, the pottery fish that got broken back in June after a storm has been gracing our kitchen table ever since.) 

Next week, after the initial cold blast is over, I will go back out and rake things around. The zinnias and the agastache I will leave until the early spring, but everything else is gone gone gone.

All that is left to bag up

Over the next few days, I will look through my gardening notebook and make some notes following up from my earlier decision to rein in the gardens and just do the kitchen garden in 2026. Things to think about, things to remember, things to swirl around in my mind. I have peppers to cut and freeze. I have to make a decision about the green tomato relish. 

And I will enjoy every last bite of every last ripe tomato, grateful for the very last tomatoes until next summer's garden. 

P.S. After I wrote the above words, I went outside and finished bagging the vines, basil, and miscellaneous stalks, filling a yard waste bag. I then brought in the remaining gardening and summer items on and around our deck: the watering can, two stray pots, the deck chimes (not to be confused with the wind chimes), and such. I carried them down to the basement, making multiple trips. There are four pots of flowers we are wintering over inside, so I made room for those and brought them in; the other four pots (two LARGE deck planters make up half of that) will stay outside and end their season in a few days. The bees are gone; I have not seen one, despite the sunshine or warmth of the day, for over a week. As I type these words, Warren just mowed the backyard one last time. 

Time for winter.

"You Are Enough"

The frozen lake

A long-sleeved tee was in the gift shop in Eisenberg Building at Mayo Clinic. Across its front were the words "You are enough." When I walked past it this past Monday, I told Warren I needed to tell myself that more regularly: "April, you are enough."

We returned home Wednesday evening from a trip to my Emerald City (Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota). We left last Friday to visit Ann and David, now very close friends, in northern Wisconsin, made our way to Oz for two days, then on to Milwaukee, where Warren had an instrument to deliver to the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee. I wrote some of this post Sunday evening, some more on Monday evening, and am now getting around to finishing it today.

The time in northern Wisconsin was stunning, incredible, amazing. We went there on a heartfelt invitation from a retired symphony Executive Director to Warren on his retirement. The visit was two days of wonderful food, laughter, tears, deep conversations on music, life, language, and implicit bias, a walk across a frozen lake, sharing books, family stories, and more. It was one of the very best times we have ever spent with another couple. It was with heartfelt hugs we said our thanks and drove away Sunday midday to Rochester.

By the time we arrived in Rochester late in the afternoon, I was spent. Warren and I had stubbed our emotional toes as we began the trek, a verbal miscue resulting in a long silent trip with mixed emotions hanging heavy in the air. When we got into our hotel room and after eating supper quietly, we were ready to begin to get back on the same page. As we talked, I surprised myself by saying, slowly, "And I may be dealing with a little depression."

My brilliant therapist Doug, now from over two decades ago, and I talked about depression and that I occasionally experienced what he diagnosed as "situational depression" (as compared to an Axis 1 major depression). He felt strongly that I knew when it happened, what it felt like, and how to first cope and then move beyond it. 

So why now? I thought about that Sunday evening and on into the week. I can toss up several thoughts: the geographical distance of my family and concerns about their personal safety in this country, growing responsibility for my aging father, the screeds in social media (so much so that I am leaning towards deactivating my Facebook account; I don't need to be yelled at about the current administration; trust me, I know): all that and more. 

But without ignoring any of those concerns, I need to move forward, focusing on where I am able to help mend the broken world in my immediate community and family. As the Talmud reminds me, it is not my responsibility to finish the work of perfecting the world, but I am not free to desist from that work either. (From Pirkei Avot.) Taking those words apart and applying them to my feelings, just because I am not able to fix the broken world, I need not dismiss my efforts and work in my sphere, in my life.

As I finish typing this in Friday morning, my mood has shifted as I look into what is ahead of me in the next few months, from legal clinics (the hot sandwiches to go at February's Justice Bus were a hit and I will be repeating that this coming March) to family matters to Warren's brilliant work to this year's garden. (And for those of you who are wondering, the medical front continues to be steady as she goes, to the great delight of all.)

A Hyer Percussion Products; note the university logo on the end piece!

So, back to where this started. "You are enough." I don't need a shirt to remind myself that. And, as Doug worked with me on so many years ago, I have the capacity to deal with whatever this is. I am enough.  

A Wednesday Win

This post is for Amanda, who will totally get it and burst out laughing.

We are slated to have some snow/ice roll in later today. The city trucks have been out brining the streets and I wanted to make sure I got a long walk in just in case everything iced up. So I bundled up and took off for the CVS on the south side of town; I had some perks expiring soon (some today) and wanted to use them.

This is what I bought at CVS:

Total cost? $0.00.

But wait, there's more!

Amanda and I both follow Katy Wolk-Stanley, The Non-Consumer Advocate, on Instagram. (I also read Katy's blog, which is often downright hilarious.) Each year, Katy saves all of her "found money" and then lets us know how much she netted for the year. "Found money" is exactly that: a coin dropped that you find and pick up on a parking lot, for example. (I include non-profit mailings where the organization attaches a dime or a nickel to convince you to donate.) With fewer and fewer people using cash, found money is scarcer with each passing month. But I told Amanda I was game if she was game. 

So imagine my delight when, on leaving CVS and preparing to walk back home (1.3 miles each way, in case anyone is wondering), I look down and see this:

Found money! 

Free dish soap, free note cards (yes, I write a lot of letters every month), and a penny for my 2025 found money bowl. 

That's a win no matter how you count it. 

Focus?

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

 

Just 10 days ago at the mid-January point, I wrote about what the month had held so far and what some of the topics on my mind were. With only 6 (!) days remaining to this first month of 2025, I feel as if I am still tiptoeing through the days.

My study is a mess: Dad paperwork (some old, some older, some newer, some new, and, of course, miscellaneous) in a couple of piles, my paperwork (the same), a small but growing pile of donations after the heady exclamation in that aforementioned post that we had moved a lot of things to Goodwill, and, of course, some other stuff. At the same time, there are some small, "neater" stacks of papers on the couch in the downstairs study that (a) are mostly mine and (b) need to move upstairs to my study and get filed, shredded, or recycled. My study is chillier than downstairs (excuses, excuses) and I keep looking at those downstairs stacks and think, "I'll get to those...later."

The real issue is that my mind is cluttered or, more to the point, my focus is blurry right now. I am working hard (perhaps too hard?) on finding my center, my cornerstone. (Maybe I have more than one cornerstone?) Maybe it has been this cold wave (finally ending, it would appear) that has kept me from walking as much or as far as I want and am used to (I did walk home from visiting Dad today; that was a good thing!) that is pushing me down. (As I wrote just a few days ago, walking is a very important part of my life.) I am quite sure that the noise, much of it toxic, blasting out from the new administration is part of the picture as I worry about the safety and well-being of family and friends in this new era. 

And, having written all of that out and seeing my words in the light of day, maybe I do have a focus after all. I remember that not only am I am my best when I focus on the small moments, the immediate moments, and the community moments, but it is more than my just noticing those things. It is my moral duty, one I take up gladly, to do my part to mend the broken seams of this world. 

Maybe I am indeed ready to move forward. 

The Best Review Ever

The muffins

I am in the early stages of writing another blog post, but then this happened this morning and was too good to sit on.  

We have all been under a severe cold wave, and most of us around here have dealt with it by staying inside. Add to that the political climate, and many of us, starting with me, are focusing on serving our local community. At home, I am trying to concentrate on what blogger Wendi at My Heart is Always Home recently called the "ordinary moments." 

It helps. 

I spent yesterday afternoon baking: a spinach/feta quiche for supper and cardamon pumpkin muffins for pleasure. Four of those went to our next door neighbors, superb bakers themselves, earning a positive review when the adults shared one between themselves. 

That is not the review I am referring to, glowing as it was. 

My phone tinged at 7:40 this morning with an incoming text: "These are the best muffins I've ever tasted in my life! ... I mean, I have a long life still, so...I might have something even tastier...but there are the best I've ever had so far!" Margaux

Margaux is the 5-year-old next door, a kindergartner like my grandson Orlando (they are 4 months apart in age). Apparently my muffins were a huge hit, her dad adding that after she tasted the muffin, she set it aside and ate her cereal first  "because she realized it was so good that she wanted to save it for last."

I have been baking for decades for fun, for sharing, for profit, for fundraising events. I have had glowing reviews from friends and strangers. But I have never ever had a review like this one. To borrow from Margaux's words, I have had a long life, but still, this is the best review ever! 

Ever! 

COLD

Photo by Alex Padurariu on Unsplash

It is Sunday evening as I write and a light snow is sifting down. For those who watch weather (I do, a little), you may know that central Ohio is in the path of the extreme cold wave hitting the midwest and the east coast. Extreme? -25 or lower with the windchill if it gets really bad. The cold aside, we should miss the heavy snows that are hitting other parts of the country. I will know in the morning when I look out the window.

Despite the cold, I made a point of walking both yesterday and today in the afternoons. I did not do so lightheartedly but with precautions and extreme care. Both afternoons, I chose only clear, clean sidewalks and, today (Sunday), when the air was brittle and the wind drove the temperature down, I was well-bundled. (In comparison, Saturday's walk was under blue, sunny skies with temperatures mild in the mid-20s.)

Until this weekend, I had not walked in several days because of weather and because of letting too many things get in the way. I walk for the exercise, of course. All of my physicians use my walking as a marker of my well-being and always ask me in the course of any appointment how much I am walking (both time and distance) and whether I am experiencing any issues. 

I also use walking to sort things out in my head. The lack of any significant walking (more than just to and from the car) has certainly contributed to a more cluttered mind than I like. So the walks were good for me, even in the cold. I could feel my mind exhale and stretch in gratitude as I walked. 

The cold is predicted to last over the next few days. I visited my dad in his apartment on Saturday and told him if it got as cold as they were predicting, he would not see me for a few days. Dad immediately said, "STAY HOME."

We are both more than happy to stay home over the next few days. As I type these words in on Monday morning, the sun is bright, the sky is blue, and it is a whopping 4 degrees. Warren had to take the car to the repair shop this morning for the replacement transmission, riding our local bus from there to back here, but that is our sole expedition outside. We both have plenty of inside tasks to do, I have plenty (PLENTY) of books at hand, and as soon as I post this, I am heading into the kitchen to bake. My dear friend Cindy calls this response to cold weather "hunkering down;" she lives about 30 miles away and we have exchanged several texts on the topic. 

Here's to hunkering. 

My Analog Life

2024 has arrived. Now what?

I am still (no surprise) figuring out what my life looks like post-medical catastrophe: physically, mentally, emotionally. On the very plus side, as in "wildly positive," I am walking daily (okay, there have been some weather call-offs) with a good pace and increasingly distances (a mile to two plus). Given that my first post-catastrophe walk was .16 miles from our driveway to the end of the block and back, with me hanging onto Warren's arm, I am thrilled.

But I would be kidding myself if I think I am back to my pre-catastrophe self physically because I am not. And will never be in some areas. That's just the reality of age, long-term cancer, and the catastrophe. (And on the mental front, yes, my intellectual capacity took a hit too. Given that dementia runs heavily in my mother's side of the family and I am at significant risk for developing it, I am keeping an eye on when I have blips that are more than just forgetting a name.)

But, back to 2024 and my continuing to shape my new life. As I have shared with close friends, I am learning to create a flow that seems to work best for me now. One huge piece of my life now is that I am spending more of my time in what I will call my analog life.

Here are some things that my life contains.

A jigsaw puzzle that my friend Maike, who knows that Warren and I (especially Warren) are huge admirers of Frank Lloyd Wright) found at a thrift shop and sent our way:

Books, books, books, the old-fashioned way:

Reactivating my sourdough starter, which bit the dirt during the medical catastrophe. I know, I could have asked my next door neighbor to give me some of his starter, but, hey, starting it is no big deal:

And other pieces that were already in place and continue to give me a quiet space to work (head or hands or both): letters to friends (of course) and walking (previously mentioned), washing dishes by hand, taking time to watch the seasons and the skies and the weather and the birds. There is a farm near my father's house where the last two times I have gone to see him, there has been a huge murmuration—starlings, perhaps?—as I am heading back home driving past the farm. "Wow" does not begin to describe the sight.

Back in my earliest days home, my friend Katrina, in response to my comment that I did not have the strength and energy to talk on the phone more than 10-15 minutes, and how some (including my father) would blithely plow past that limitation, sent me a timer. Oh, Katrina! What a gift! I rarely used it on the phone calls, as I could see on my phone how long the call was lasting, but what this timer has done for me is given me controllable time back. I know, I know. Phones have timers and alarms. Our 1970s era stove has a timer clock for the oven. But setting the dial on this timer and letting it run until its distinctive ding, has made my baking and other activities (my now daily nap) so much easier to track. Who knew?

A life changer! 

The catastrophe and some other important matters impact how and whether we will do much (any) traveling this year other than getting to Mayo sometime later in the year. I hope. I am doing telehealth appointments right now; I do not have the physical capacity yet to drive to Rochester and flying, even without factoring in Covid and flu and RSV, takes even longer than driving. I told Warren this weekend that I have made peace (reluctantly) that I will never get back to Maine, a trip we hoped to take last July but scrubbed because of Symphony matters. I realize it is highly unlikely I will make it out to the PDX area this year to see my family. It is what it is.

Fellow blogger Laurie recently wrote about her "football sweet potatoes" and I asked for a photo, which she gladly provided. My interest was prompted by photos from Orlando at Thanksgiving, scrubbing sweet potatoes as big as his head, even adjusting for camera angle. (I called and asked; adult confirmed the sweet potatoes were massive.) My son Ben is making plans, still tentative, to come back here in May, with Orlando (who starts kindergarten this fall!) and I hope that all comes about, whether we are scrubbing massive sweet potatoes, baking a pie, or just hanging out in the sweetness of time (analog, of course). 

On Pivoting

 So yesterday I hit a wall I wasn't expecting. 

Well, when does anyone ever expect to hit a wall? And maybe that's a little overly dramatic: hitting a wall. More accurately, I came up against a physical capacity limitation that I was unaware existed. 

My plan was simple enough. We had caught some of the Mega Winter Storm that rolled from Texas to New England this week, enough to shut our streets down, close the library (which almost never happens), close many county and city offices, and generally bring Delaware to a standstill both Thursday and Friday. So I thought as a snowy gesture of friendship, I would make fruit empanadas and share them with our neighbors Adam and Maura and girls next door, Kathy and Ryan across the street (Ryan brings his snowblower over and blows off our sidewalk when it snows), and my old law partner Scott two houses down (who recently gave my dad some legal advice). 

It had been a long time, years to be honest, since I had made fruit empanadas, but heck, piece of cake. I mean, I bake all the time, right? So I prepared an apple filling and a cherry filling. (With fruit empanadas, it's better to cook the filling before filling and baking the empanadas, as the baking time goes more smoothly.)

The fillings

The kitchen smelled great. I was ready to roll, literally and figuratively. 

I made the pie dough I've now made for some 40 years, rolled out a bit of it, cut out the first six dough circles, and moved them onto the parchment paper to fill and crimp shut. I had put filling on three of the six when it hit me. I didn't have the strength to do the rolling, the cutting, the filling, the crimping, the baking. Not now, not later that morning, not ever. 

I was at a complete halt. I wasn't having a bad day physically; my cancer was not acting out. 

I. Just. Couldn't. Do. It.

Long silence in my heart. Long silence in my brain. Long silence in the kitchen as I looked down at what I had begun and acknowledged I could not finish it.

Deep breath.

Okay, no more fruit empanadas. That was clear. But I had filling for pies: apple pies, cherry pies. Not the same and not as much, but pies all the same. Pies! Soon I had two small apple and two medium cherry pies in the oven.

While they baked and I cleaned up the kitchen, I thought about what had happened. In my baking world, this was a first. I don't see it changing and my miraculously regaining the strength and energy to make the empanadas. No more empanadas. 

All the same, I gave myself props for pivoting without too much angst. Because, really, what was the alternative? Collapse in a tearful heap? Swear vociferously, slam my apron against the table, and stalk away? I felt I did more than just salvage the situation: the pies were great. (I'm not just bragging: this was confirmed when wonderful texts came in from those on the receiving end. Plus we kept and cut into one of the small apple pies. Yum.)

But I'd be lying if I didn't say there was a pang. Not heartbreak, but a pang. 

In writing my first draft of this post last night, I looked back to find my empanada post, as I was sure I had done one. Indeed, there it was in June 2012. What caught my eye was not the post itself (although those empanadas look pretty darn tasty), but this quote from my son Sam: "I've also been cooking huge meals for my housemates which is incredibly enjoyable; preparing and cooking and sharing food with people is one of the finer points in life for me as of late."

Preparing and cooking and sharing food. It really is that simple and essential.

So no more empanadas. But there's still food to to prepare and cook and share. The baking goes on. The friendships go on.

Life, sweet life, goes on. 

A Different Holiday Season

Who didn't have a different holiday season this year? 

Okay, Hanukkah was pretty much the same. Eight nights of lighting candles is always something I look forward to, and this year I used that time to read and reflect. I put my menorahs on a small table in our front window, watching out, as JewBelong reminds us, for the curtains and for anti-Semites. So far, so good. 

 The last night I didn't get the candles lit until late (because I had Poetry Group earlier), so they burned long into the evening. I own three menorahs and light them all, so there was a lot of light:

The last night

Christmas was a whole different experience this year. Normally, December is a rush of holiday concerts and performances for Warren, but in the pandemic world, live music is on hold indefinitely. That alone made December feel different. For example, we typically put off buying a Christmas tree until after the last performance (which would have been December 21 at the earliest); this year, we bought one out of sequence in part because there was no sequence and in part because, in Ohio at least, there were localized runs on trees, with various vendors selling out. We did get a tree. It stayed on our porch for several days until a windstorm made that a losing proposition, then it stood unadorned and unlit in our living room until, well, about the 21st. 

It wasn't for lack of enthusiasm; it was for lack of time and...time. Among other things, Warren was producing the first live (as in prerecorded concert) by the Symphony for the Symphony's Holiday Concert. (There had been an earlier prerecorded concert, produced and shot by the Farm Bureau for the annual Benefit in the Barn fundraiser; this one was solely a Symphony production.) Until it went live on Facebook on December 20, it consumed a lot of energy and time in this household. Want to see it? Here it is:

Actually, we had two trees this year. The first was a pine tree, the one I just wrote about. The second was a sculpture that we had bought back in January, in one of our Mayo cross country jaunts (the last of 2020, unbeknownst to us at the time). It sat outside all summer, but came in for the winter and Warren thought it would make a great tree. 

It did. And yes, that is a trout in the upper circle on the right. 

A tradition Warren and I started our very first Christmas is buying a special "us" ornament. We label these and keep them in a separate box. Over the years, we started buying an ornament from somewhere we had traveled that year as our "us"ornament, then expanded that to buying "us" ornaments from all of our trips in any year. So, for example, here is our 2012 ornament from Whitefish Point when we went to Lake Superior that year:

But guess what? We scrubbed all of our 2020 travel plans because of the pandemic. Other than the trip to Rochester for Mayo and Warren's Midwinter Conference in NY, both in January pre-pandemic, we went nowhere. 

Nowhere. Not Minneapolis (for the 2020 League of American Orchestras conference, which went virtual), not Rockland, Maine (to see our friends David and Vince in their retirement home), not to Indianapolis (for PASIC 2020, which went virtual) and, the hardest of all, not to Portland/Vancouver to be with our family out there. 

Not a single place. And although in the early years we bought an ornament unrelated to travel (that started in 2010), neither of us were going into a store just days before Christmas. And it wouldn't be the same, frankly.

I'm the one who solved the 2020 dilemma, shortly after Warren set up the second "tree." We still had the price tag from that sculpture, and, well, that was a 2020 trip:

(For the record, we paid $50.00, not $75.00, for our piece. I would also note that the sculptor is Tom Nelson, no relation.)

For such a screwy year, it is a perfectly heartfelt reminder of what 2020 held. 

We didn't hang a lot of ornaments this year. Our "us" ones, some others that held special meaning or just felt "right," three wood flowers that Mona, my grandchildren's beloved Nana, had each of them paint and then sent to me earlier this year:

Orlando's efforts

And one more. 

A very special one. 

Earlier this year, my good friend David (the one in Maine) announced that there would be "21 Days of Just David," and he would send me something by mail for 21 days. Sometimes it was a postcard. Sometimes it was a bumpersticker. Sometimes it was a heartfelt letter. Sometimes it was dirt. (There's a story behind that too.) One of the packages arrived much later (he had warned me) and turned out to be an ornament of Frodo Baggins as played by Elijah Wood in the movies "The Lord of the Rings." 

Seriously. David had found someone on line in Canada who turned these out:

Why? David, Vince, and I together watched each of the three "Lord of the Rings" movies when each was released and all of us made fun of the agonizing faces Wood made as Frodo. That was 12+ hours of Frodo agonizing over every single breath he took, mind you. It became a running joke over the years between us. Here, for example, is David being Frodo as he does dishes:

Frodo/David agonizing over the dishes

You get the point. 

Of course the Frodo ornament had to go on the tree. I went running upstairs to my study to grab him and bring him down. 

There is a quote from the final movie on the back of this ornament and I teased David that the first sentence (minus the "Sam") would be my response to inane questions for the remainder of 2020:

May 2021 be brighter for us all. 

February Money Review

The start of a new month, and the accounting on the home level continues.

February was kind to us (or we were kind to ourselves). Total groceries (food) for the month? $132.17 (and that counts a birthday cake Warren bought for his adult children, February birthdays both, for $11.99). Non-food items? A stunning $3.16. Grand total?  $135.33.

Average year-to-date? $148.32.

Our eating out, as expected, was impacted by our road trip to Mayo. Without the Mayo trip, eating out was a cool $11.50. Mayo though (our portion only, as we treated family members at times) added another $70.08 to the pile, for a total of $81.58.

We knew that was coming.

That $70.08 contains one of my favorite "eating out" meals ever. Ever. Heading into Rochester Sunday evening, tired, road-weary (there had been much snow and ice en route, starting early that morning coming out of Chicago), feeling the omnipresent burden of my cancer, we talked as we drew nearer. "What do you want to do for dinner?" "I don't know. What do you want to do?" Neither of us were interested in fast food. I said that I wasn't up for a restaurant, even a casual one. The back and forth continued with little progress. 

We needed gas and so pulled into the Kwik Trip as we came into Rochester. Krip Trips are a chain of gasoline stations/convenience stores primarily in Wisconsin and Minnesota. They have food, including produce, bakery items, and snacks. Warren encouraged me to go in and look.

Nothing was appealing. When I am this worn out, I can stare at even a Michelin-starred menu and see nothing appealing. Warren, though, was persuasive and, most important, patient. "How about this?" Head shake. "How about this?"

We ended up spending $5.92, buying a large Caesar salad and two (2!—Count 'em!—2!) pints of skim milk. We still had clementines, pretzels, and homemade cookies in our travel bag from the packed supper the night before. Okay, we could make this work.

30 minutes later, we were checked into our room and I was in sweats (i.e. comfortable). We sat side by side on the deep couch in the room, spread out our meal on the coffee table, and proceeded to eat and regroup from the long, hard day.

It was perfect. Perfect. The first milk container (which I swigged) calmed me down, the second one relaxed me utterly. (Note: Warren is not a milk drinker. That milk was all for ME!) The salad was as fresh as the ones I've pulled from the Mayo cafe after the cafeteria closes and there was more than enough for the two of us. Add the items from home, add being warm and off the road and in for the night, add being in Oz, and life was good. Life was better than good. It was as good as it gets.

The Mayo trip itself came in at almost $413.00, counting the eating out noted above. About $102.00 of that was the car rental. Gas was a stunningly economic $76.32; we had a rental that got over 42 miles per gallon. While we stayed one night in Chicago (Oak Park), crashing for free at our sister-in-law's condo, we had two hotel stays for a total of $164.59. The first was our usual in Rochester, the second was in, of all places, Merrillville, Indiana.

A word about Merrillville. We drive through it all the time en route to Chicago or further points north and west. The town sits on the intersection of US 30 (east/west across Indiana) and I-65 (north/south from Gary on down). There is a town, somewhere, but we always see the US 30 strip of chain stores and eateries and heavy traffic. But this trip, looking at the weather, looking at our late(r) departure from Rochester, looking at our schedule, Warren suggested we stay in Merrillville rather than Oak Park. That alone would put us an hour and a half or more (depending on traffic) closer to home. While we have driven straight from Rochester to home before, arriving somewhere around 3:00 a.m., neither of us felt we were up to it this time. Hence, Merrillville.

And you know what? It was great. We grabbed a late evening meal-to-go at Portillo's, a hot dog chain that we have hit in Illinois. (Who knew one was in Merrillville? Warren, apparently.) A good sleep, a passably decent breakfast as part of our hotel stay, and we were back on the road in the morning with a little over four hours ahead of us. It worked out so well in terms of driving, minimizing exhaustion, and arriving home at a reasonable time that we may make Merrillville a regular stop.

Who knew?

So Much Warmth

Socks, socks, socks! 

We had our close friends, Margo and Gerald, over for supper last night. Gerald stepped into our house and exclaimed "It smells great in here!"

It did smell great. Not because we were preparing an elaborate gourmet meal (we weren't), but because the aromas of the day, ranging from apple pie to caramelized onions, had filled the hall and rooms.

Not only did the house smell great, but it was warm. We are just coming out of the polar vortex that hit this part of the country. Warmth is a big deal.

The whole evening was full of warmth: good, simple food, lots of conversation, dear friends, a cherished longtime friendship. After we said our goodbyes and stood at the door waving as Gerald and Margo drove away, I turned to Warren and said "This was a wonderful evening. I really needed that."

It has been a rough end to January and start to February. The brutal Mayo trip was followed by Warren being away at a conference for four days, immediately followed by my getting spectacularly ill for 36 hours, and topped off with the vicious polar vortex, followed by about five inches of snow. (The silver lining to the weather was that the schools all shut down for three consecutive days, so while I have a number of attendance mediations to reschedule, I did not miss a single one because of being ill. The other silver lining is that my sickness coincided with the vortex days, so I did not have to venture into that freezer.) There were other family matters, other health matters, other, just, things going on, all of which took time and energy and love and concentration, that piled on top of the week as well.

But there was so much warmth, despite the temperatures, despite being violently ill, despite the other things.

There was Maura next door, slipping a container of baked goods in our front door to cheer the invalid. There was Kim of Out My Window offering to take in the too large skirt I mentioned in my last post. There was longtime friend Ellen of Within My Means, who, in response to my blog about my antique socks, sent me a box full of new ones. (How I laughed when I opened that box!) There was an email from a colleague thanking me for assisting in a complicated court matter, so heartfelt that I could not share with Warren without my voice breaking and tears running down my face.

So much warmth.

Without my trying to, I seem to be spending my days more deliberately, more intentionally. I continue to slip out to the back deck to greet the day (well, not the day I was so sick, but I did the following day when I was on the mend and it was still a stunning -10 or so outside). I find myself focusing more on what I am feeling, writing, eating, hearing (right now, marimba music from Warren's study down the hall as he listens to a performer on YouTube), reading, saying, than I used to, than even just a few months ago. I sense it is my growing awareness of time running out that compels me to take a deep breath and savor the moment. Ram Dass (Ram Dass? Hey, I just finished reading Walking Each Other Home, okay?) and others remind me to stay in the moment, because the moment is all I have. I want, no, need to remain open to the coming conclusion of my life so that I can move into and through that final landscape with a heart full of love.

And so much warmth.

Deep Freeze

Along with the rest of the Midwest and the East coast (I can't speak for the rest of the country right now), we are locked into a deep freeze. It is cold beyond cold out. So enjoy this post from 2015, when we experienced a similar weather cycle.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Inch Fifty: The Ninth Circle of Hell Has Nothing on Us

In the 1300s, the Italian poet Dante Alighieri wrote a three-part epic poem entitled The Divine Comedy. I have not read the entire work, but I have read the first part, Inferno, more than once. The Inferno describes Dante's trip through hell, with the Greek poet Virgil as his guide. I have not read it in recent decades, but some things stick with you, and that work is one of them in my case.

Dante divides Hell into nine descending circles, with the sins and punishments growing more severe the lower one descends. The ninth circle is the very bottom of Hell, the lowest of the lowest, where Satan resides with the traitors, the most evil of sinners.

The ninth circle is not full of fire and brimstone. It is not a searing, scorched wasteland. You couldn't toast a marshmallow, let alone warm your hands in the ninth circle.

No, as Dante wrote it, the ninth circle is a frozen Hell. Satan is encased to his waist in ice and flaps his wings ceaselessly, producing the icy winds that keep everything frozen. It is without light, it is without warmth, it is without comfort.

I don't live in the ninth circle of Hell. I live in Ohio, which right now far exceeds the ninth circle. We are in the midst of a cold winter, the cold this week exacerbated by an occurrence of a Siberian Express. A Siberian Express is a  name dreamed up by some bored meteorologist to describe a sustained, frigid, often sub-zero weather mass, often originating in Siberia. The resulting temperatures take no prisoners.

There is a reason that the Soviet regime located its gulags in Siberia.

Yesterday all schools were canceled because the temperature was 3 or 5 or something like that, with a windchill of sub-zero temperatures. Today schools were canceled again because the temperature at 7 a.m. locally ranged from -3 to -12 before the windchill.

Minus twelve. Really?

Because of my job and a major community commitment, I was out of the house both days before 8 a.m. I don't care how much one bundles up (and trust me, I do), there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that will guard every part of the body against that kind of cold.

It is cold, cold, cold. It is Dante cold. It is the Keats cold of the Eve of St. Agnes. It is way past any cold Robert Frost every penned.

When Dante and Virgil leave the ninth circle, they reemerge on the earth just before dawn on Easter Sunday. E quindi uscimmo a riveder le stelle.

"And then we emerged to see the stars."

I am hoping the spring emerges at some point from the wasteland of winter. After all, the major league pitchers and catchers reported to spring training this week.

I wish I could paraphrase Shelley:

Be through my lips to unawaken'd earth
The trumpet of the prophecy! O Wind,
If the pitchers report, can Spring be far behind?

But right now, the Wind is the Siberian Wind, and there is no joy in Mudville.