 |
| Photo by Mike Enerio on Unsplash |
I am at a crossroads.
I have had some weeks that have been more challenging emotionally than usual, both in good ways and in harder ways. My article at Medium on my recognizing I'm dying? Wow! Last week, one of the editors emailed and asked if he had permission to feature it. Seriously? Okay, now I've gone from getting a base hit in my first time at bat (when it got curated) to getting a triple (to being featured). I just signed off Thursday on the final edits and formatting. So that was a good, no, GREAT thing.
Then my "replacement" column for the Myeloma Beacon ran this week; I found out when Reader Comment emails popped up in my Inbox. The column was deliberately safe and non-threatening, likening the persistent physical weight of my chronic cancer to the chains Marley's ghost drags with him. And damn if a well-meaning fellow columnist didn't comment sincerely and warmly about whether there might not be some other reasons I was feeling the way I felt, have I investigated those possibilities, we're all aging and that makes for different bodies, and remember to savor each day.
Talk about mixed feelings. On the one hand, I appreciated her concern. On the other hand, I emailed my editor that those well-meaning and totally-missed-the-mark comments were exactly why I wrote the column (the rejected one). As to any option of answering that comment online as the author, the publisher, who would not run my column to begin with, curates the comments and would probably not be comfortable with even a benign comment such as "it's not something else."
OTOH, OTOH indeed.
I have been stewing on the whole rejection/acceptance thing. I struggle with whether I continue to write a column for the Beacon, not because of the rejection in and of itself, but because the rejection threw up a barrier which is making me reflect on what I am writing and in whose voice. I am second guessing myself as to the next one: if I write this and that in the course of the column, will it be rejected? If I don't write this and that, am I censoring myself in ways that I cannot accept?
Add to that stew of feelings the fact that the Beacon has been home to my column since January, 2013. More important, its community of readers have been a support group for me in lieu of a live support group (we have one in the greater Columbus area; I attended it twice very unsuccessfully). Most important, my editor Maike (who is married to Boris, the publisher) is a close, personal friend in addition to being my editor, and both she and Boris have been guests in our home. I don't want to jeopardize that friendship; I don't think I would if I stepped away from my column, but there would likely be some fallout on all fronts.
I have been turning this over in my head much of the day (it is now mid-afternoon); Warren and I discussed it at lunch. I am tired; other matters call.
Hanging out at the crossroads, wondering which way to go.
