This house—our house—is a mess.
There is no other way to put it. Between the music festival this week (concerts or rehearsals every night), my health, Warren's schedule without the music festival, and other family (the larger family) matters, there is no time, no energy, no bigger picture, no anything to spare.
Monday night we decamped to a spare bedroom. It is the same bedroom in which I have my writing desk and which was already in a state of—ummmm—disarray before we moved in.
It was in a state of chaos before because I have been purging again: eight bags to Goodwill, personal papers to recycling or shredding. There were still those piles of "do I send this out to Ben (or Sam) now or wait?" and "well, what about that?" Those stacks got hastily shifted to the perimeter of the room when I cleared and made up the bed at 11:00 p.m. Monday night.
Our sudden late night exit was due to the invasion of bedbugs from one of our travels or one of our activities. It was the dermatologist examining Warren who said "have you looked for bedbugs?" We did that night. The good news is that we caught them early; the great news is that the mattress in our bedroom was long overdue for replacement.
The bad news is that we are now strung across two bedrooms since we are sleeping in the spare room but our clothes are in our bedroom.
Well, for that matter, we are also strung across two bathrooms right now too. Warren and his son yanked out the toilet from the little bathroom adjoining our bedroom (it is too small to call a "master bath;" a "master bath closet" is more accurate) because it had been leaking and the floor needs replacing. We might as well paint our bathroom while we are at it. Our toiletries and the shower we use are in the bath closet; the working toilet on the second floor is in the other bathroom, which is conveniently located next to our current bedroom.
The toilet, incidentally, is in the other spare bedroom, along with all the art work from the first floor which came off the walls last May when we repainted and had new carpet installed before Ben and Alise and Ramona came to visit.
The first floor has its own issues. The whole floor is the staging area for the Symphony's Executive Director and timpanist (i.e., Warren) and last night we filled the living room with the remains of the percussion ensemble's performance. Did I also mention that there are more crotales in this house right now than most major percussion manufacturers keep in warehouses at any given time? And there are Zildjian hats of different colors scattered around as well, courtesy of last night, including the checkered flag one perched on the kitchen table right now.
And let's not forget the bedding which I washed and dried on HOT post bedbug search just in case they had any bright ideas of migrating. It occupies three-quarters of the couch right now.
I am writing this longhand outside on the back deck in the early morning. I like to start my mornings out here when I can, listening to the birds bringing up on the day. From where I sit, I can glance to the right and see the garden. This year's garden is a riot of flowers...and grass and weeds. The flowers are perennials—some wintered over, some established by me in past years—none of which got moved to new beds because of schedules and travels and illness and the fact that Boger's son never brought back his dad's most excellent rototiller and so we did not get the new garden beds dug. The garden is beautiful if you don't look too closely, but if I don't get some of it cleaned up, the grass and weeds will choke the pathetic tomato plants.
The other beds are hardly any better, although I did finally get the suckers around the ornamental cherry cut back after the robins fledged.
You must also appreciate that to get to the garden from the deck, although it is a short distance, you must navigate past the bagged soil that never got opened and used, the spare cargo trailer that occupies that bulk of the weedy brick patio and that I want Warren to give to his son because I cannot easily reach the garden with it in the way, and the small heap of wood (ends of old boards) that came up from the shed in the backyard and never got used this winter.
E. B. White wrote an essay, "Memorandum," in October 1941 in which he listed all the miscellaneous chores he really needed to do that day, ranging from bringing in the pumpkins to writing a long overdue letter to replacing a broken light in the workshop. White rolls through a lengthy to-do list, then concludes "I've been spending a lot of time here typing, and I see it is four o'clock already and almost dark, so I had better get going. Specially since I ought to get a haircut while I am at it."
I know just how White felt. It is already 6:30 a.m., I need to get showered and dressed, fix breakfast, and get to a half day training session. And I really should take another bag of stuff to Goodwill while I am at it.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Inch Sixty-Eight: Out of the Ashes
In some versions of the fairytale Cinderella, as told by the Brothers Grimm and not Walt Disney, the wicked stepmother throws two shovelfuls of lentils into the hearth ashes and commands Cinderella to pick them out if she is to go to the ball. In other versions, it is linseed (flaxseed) that is hurled into the ashes. What is thrown is not important. What is important is that Cinderella is given the impossible task of separating the small beans or seeds from the grit and ashes.
Cinderella cannot complete the task, but she does not have to. Instead, the turtledoves who nest in the tree over her mother's grave and the other birds of the air fly down and quickly peck out the clean from the dirty, the food from the cinders.
I have been back from my trip to the Mayo Clinic for two weeks now. There is still a medical issue to sort out and I still have to sit down with my oncologist at month's end to discuss the next line of treatment. All the same, I have a good idea of where I am at and what lies ahead. The relapses are coming more closely together and the branch I am way out on is getting thinner and cracklier.
I have been sharing the story with those closest to me. At times I tell the tale with a large dash of bravado. Sometimes I tell it more quietly. Sometimes there are tears. Judith reached over and held my hand while I talked. Mel leaned her head against my shoulder. Margo put her arm around me when both of our voices broke.
The one universal response is "what can I/we do to help you?" It is said with fervor, it is said with love, it is said with commitment, it is said in any number of ways, but it is always the same. "What can I do to help you?"
My answer is always the same. Right now, nothing really. But the day will come when Warren and I will need a helping hand or some friendly assistance. And that is when all these wonderful people in my life, the ones already flocking around me, will descend upon my life like Cinderella's birds and pick the good of the ashes.
Cinderella cannot complete the task, but she does not have to. Instead, the turtledoves who nest in the tree over her mother's grave and the other birds of the air fly down and quickly peck out the clean from the dirty, the food from the cinders.
I have been back from my trip to the Mayo Clinic for two weeks now. There is still a medical issue to sort out and I still have to sit down with my oncologist at month's end to discuss the next line of treatment. All the same, I have a good idea of where I am at and what lies ahead. The relapses are coming more closely together and the branch I am way out on is getting thinner and cracklier.
I have been sharing the story with those closest to me. At times I tell the tale with a large dash of bravado. Sometimes I tell it more quietly. Sometimes there are tears. Judith reached over and held my hand while I talked. Mel leaned her head against my shoulder. Margo put her arm around me when both of our voices broke.
The one universal response is "what can I/we do to help you?" It is said with fervor, it is said with love, it is said with commitment, it is said in any number of ways, but it is always the same. "What can I do to help you?"
My answer is always the same. Right now, nothing really. But the day will come when Warren and I will need a helping hand or some friendly assistance. And that is when all these wonderful people in my life, the ones already flocking around me, will descend upon my life like Cinderella's birds and pick the good of the ashes.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Inch Sixty-Seven: What the Tower Held
When I posted last week, Warren and I were in Rochester, Minnesota, while I underwent a consult at the Mayo Clinic. I had just arranged a tour of the Mayo carillon. I wrote:
Mayo is unique in that it has its own carillon atop the Plummer Building, a 1926 structure with fantastic terra cotta ornamentation. For the unaware, a carillon is a musical instrument (percussion, of course) that has at least 23 tuned bronze bells. It is played by a clavier (keyboard) and clappers, not by swinging like the typical church bell.) While the building was being constructed, William Mayo (one of the two Mayo brothers) went to Belgium and become enraptured of carillons. When he returned to Rochester, he had the architect revise the building plans and add a carillon tower on top. Until 2001, the Plummer Building with its carillon tower was the tallest structure in Rochester. The carillon currently has 56 bells in it.
I have always, always wanted to be up inside a carillon tower. Rockefeller Chapel at the University of Chicago has one, but I have never managed a tour. The Mayo allows tours of its carillon. Needless to say, I was thrilled.
To arrange one, you call the carillonneur (the bell master) directly on his cell phone. What a great small town touch! Jeff was delighted to arrange a tour; he will be playing Thursday morning at 8:30 for the downtown market, and we are meeting at 8:20 in the lobby of the Plummer to climb up into the tower with him. I can't wait.
The carillon tour did not disappoint.
Warren and I arrived early and took a seat in the ornate lobby of the Plummer Building. We had not yet met Jeff, but I was confident we'd know him right away. Sure enough, a tall, thin man rushed in, broke into a grin, and headed straight towards us. We made some quick introductions and headed up.
To reach the carillon tower, you take the elevator as far up as it will go, then start climbing a tight spiral staircase, identical to ones in lighthouses. As we labored up the spiral stairs, Jeff, who talks rapidly and has a nervous laugh, asked us where we were from.
"Delaware, Ohio," I said and started to add that Delaware was in central Ohio when Jeff broke in and said he knew exactly where it was because he attended his first two years of college at Ohio Wesleyan, our local college. Well! That lead to an exchange between Jeff and Warren of who they knew in common and although Jeff has about a decade of age on me, Warren knew many of the music faculty from the years Jeff attended OWU.
When you get to the top of the spiral staircases, you are in a large room with a work area, a desk areas, and a thing—a generator, perhaps?—that plays the bells on the hours (and, when it is working properly, the quarter hours). Jeff grabbed his organ shoes and we climbed up one final short flight of steps to the top of the world.
A carillon is played by the carillonneur in two ways. The carillonneur plays the pedal board with his feet (think of an organ) and large oak keys called batons with his hands. Playing the batons requires striking them forcefully, not tapping gently. In fact, as I watched Jeff play, I realized that but for my total inability to ever play a keyboard instrument, I would love to play a carillon because you essentially beat on the instrument to get it to sound.
I do mean "beat." Jeff told us that he had taken a long layoff from the carillon while it underwent structural repairs. During that time, his playing calluses softened. When he was once again sat down and started playing, he felt something on the batons. He looked down. There was blood on the batons from his hands breaking open.
Jeff had a 25 minute performance that morning, and we had the run of the carillon tower and the ramparts all around the tower while he played. Here is the view of the rampart and the parapet wall, which wrapped all around the tower.
Except for the lack of Winkies and a bucket of water, I immediately was reminded of Oz and the Wicked Witch's castle.
Jeff played a wide selection, including "Puttin' on the Ritz." You have not lived until you are high in the sky on the outside of a carillon tower while the carillonneur plays "Puttin' on the Ritz." (Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain: this is not a quality video!):
Of course, what that brought to mind was this:
It was a wild and wonderful time up in the carillon tower.
Meeting Jeff and spending time hanging out with him in the carillon tower was treat enough for the day. But as it turned out, there was a bonus for me. I've created a character, Cecil Deavers, in my nascent youth novel. Mr. Deavers is tall and thin and animated and moves and talks quickly. In exclamation points, for that matter. It is not at all unusual for the writer to create a character based on real people, but I certainly was not expecting to meet one of my characters alive and playing the carillon in Rochester. I did not tell Warren until later, but I found myself watching Jeff extremely closely, storing up impressions of his movements and his personality.
What did the tower hold? A stunning carillon, a bell master who knew our hometown, and one of my book characters. You can't make up results like that!
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Inch Sixty-Six: On The Road
After our adventure last week in Cleveland, we spent one day back home and then headed out early Sunday to Rochester, Minnesota. We spent Sunday evening in Madison with family, then made our way leisurely to Rochester.
By "leisurely," I mean we drove over via small highways and byways that took us through the small towns of western Wisconsin, Iowa, and Minnesota. By "small," I mean a population of a thousand here, of seven hundred there, of another twenty-three hundred ten miles down the road.
In Harpers Ferry, Iowa, a town clinging to the bluffs above the Mississippi, there was a soft-serve ice cream joint built against the bluff. Each end of its parking lot was guarded by a giant ice cream cone. When I see small towns with ice cream shacks, let alone shacks with giant cones, my spirits lift and I hold out hope for America.
Rochester is a company town and company is the Mayo Clinic. Mayo's name and buildings and presence dominate the downtown core. Dominate? Mayo is the core downtown. (To its credit, Mayo appears to take its civic role seriously.)
Mayo is unique in that it has its own carillon atop the Plummer Building, a 1926 structure with fantastic terra cotta ornamentation. For the unaware, a carillon is a musical instrument (percussion, of course) that has at least 23 tuned bronze bells. It is played by a clavier (keyboard) and clappers, not by swinging like the typical church bell.) While the building was being constructed, William Mayo (one of the two Mayo brothers) went to Belgium and become enraptured of carillons. When he returned to Rochester, he had the architect revise the building plans and add a carillon tower on top. Until 2001, the Plummer Building with its carillon tower was the tallest structure in Rochester. The carillon currently has 56 bells in it.
I have always, always wanted to be up inside a carillon tower. Rockefeller Chapel at the University of Chicago has one, but I have never managed a tour. The Mayo allows tours of its carillon. Needless to say, I was thrilled.
To arrange one, you call the carillonneur (the bell master) directly on his cell phone. What a great small town touch! Jeff was delighted to arrange a tour; he will be playing Thursday morning at 8:30 for the downtown market, and we are meeting at 8:20 in the lobby of the Plummer to climb up into the tower with him. I can't wait.
I have a very limited view of Rochester, being that my focus is on the Mayo and not the bigger town. All the same, one sunny afternoon I walked around a neighborhood near the Mayo core. A woman of about my age was in her garden and I stopped to chat. She had been away from her house for a year, thinking she would sell it. Now she had returned and the vegetable garden had gone wild. The asparagus beds were tall and green, the delicate ferny stalks waving to and fro in the breeze. "And my rhubarb," she said. "I don't even recognize it." I didn't either, until I looked at one massive growth against a corner shed and realized I was looking at a rhubarb forest. She was cheerful and good-natured about the garden, telling me how much pleasure she took in being out in the sun, turning the dirt, caging the tomatoes she had just planted. Our exchange made Rochester a little more personal, a little closer to home.
The trip to Rochester is a serious one, coming from my oncologist's suggestion that I would benefit from a consult with a world-class expert institution. Ten and a half years out from my original diagnosis, I am part of a very, very small group of myeloma patients. "Rare" is the phrase my Mayo oncologist used when we met on Tuesday. Warren and I will meet with him again on Friday to discuss the findings of three days of testing, but we have already experienced a heightened awareness of just how far out on the limb I am and how very thin the branch is becoming.
It is a sharp realization.
All the way across western Wisconsin, red-winged blackbirds threaded the fields and perched on the fence posts. Mile after mile, I would see the flash of red on their shoulders. I thought of section V of "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird" by Wallace Stevens:
I do not know which to prefer,
Section V reminds me of where I am on the cancer spectrum and where I am in my life. The beauty of inflection or the beauty of innuendo?
It will be a long, thoughtful trip back to Delaware.
By "leisurely," I mean we drove over via small highways and byways that took us through the small towns of western Wisconsin, Iowa, and Minnesota. By "small," I mean a population of a thousand here, of seven hundred there, of another twenty-three hundred ten miles down the road.
In Harpers Ferry, Iowa, a town clinging to the bluffs above the Mississippi, there was a soft-serve ice cream joint built against the bluff. Each end of its parking lot was guarded by a giant ice cream cone. When I see small towns with ice cream shacks, let alone shacks with giant cones, my spirits lift and I hold out hope for America.
Rochester is a company town and company is the Mayo Clinic. Mayo's name and buildings and presence dominate the downtown core. Dominate? Mayo is the core downtown. (To its credit, Mayo appears to take its civic role seriously.)
Mayo is unique in that it has its own carillon atop the Plummer Building, a 1926 structure with fantastic terra cotta ornamentation. For the unaware, a carillon is a musical instrument (percussion, of course) that has at least 23 tuned bronze bells. It is played by a clavier (keyboard) and clappers, not by swinging like the typical church bell.) While the building was being constructed, William Mayo (one of the two Mayo brothers) went to Belgium and become enraptured of carillons. When he returned to Rochester, he had the architect revise the building plans and add a carillon tower on top. Until 2001, the Plummer Building with its carillon tower was the tallest structure in Rochester. The carillon currently has 56 bells in it.
I have always, always wanted to be up inside a carillon tower. Rockefeller Chapel at the University of Chicago has one, but I have never managed a tour. The Mayo allows tours of its carillon. Needless to say, I was thrilled.
To arrange one, you call the carillonneur (the bell master) directly on his cell phone. What a great small town touch! Jeff was delighted to arrange a tour; he will be playing Thursday morning at 8:30 for the downtown market, and we are meeting at 8:20 in the lobby of the Plummer to climb up into the tower with him. I can't wait.
I have a very limited view of Rochester, being that my focus is on the Mayo and not the bigger town. All the same, one sunny afternoon I walked around a neighborhood near the Mayo core. A woman of about my age was in her garden and I stopped to chat. She had been away from her house for a year, thinking she would sell it. Now she had returned and the vegetable garden had gone wild. The asparagus beds were tall and green, the delicate ferny stalks waving to and fro in the breeze. "And my rhubarb," she said. "I don't even recognize it." I didn't either, until I looked at one massive growth against a corner shed and realized I was looking at a rhubarb forest. She was cheerful and good-natured about the garden, telling me how much pleasure she took in being out in the sun, turning the dirt, caging the tomatoes she had just planted. Our exchange made Rochester a little more personal, a little closer to home.
The trip to Rochester is a serious one, coming from my oncologist's suggestion that I would benefit from a consult with a world-class expert institution. Ten and a half years out from my original diagnosis, I am part of a very, very small group of myeloma patients. "Rare" is the phrase my Mayo oncologist used when we met on Tuesday. Warren and I will meet with him again on Friday to discuss the findings of three days of testing, but we have already experienced a heightened awareness of just how far out on the limb I am and how very thin the branch is becoming.
It is a sharp realization.
All the way across western Wisconsin, red-winged blackbirds threaded the fields and perched on the fence posts. Mile after mile, I would see the flash of red on their shoulders. I thought of section V of "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird" by Wallace Stevens:
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.
Section V reminds me of where I am on the cancer spectrum and where I am in my life. The beauty of inflection or the beauty of innuendo?
It will be a long, thoughtful trip back to Delaware.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Inch Sixty-Five: Big City
I was in Cleveland much of this past week at the national conference of the League of American Orchestras. Warren was a key presenter at one of the elective breakouts; the magistrate at Juvenile Court with whom he collaborates and I also spoke at the same session. Warren and Lynne talked about the stunning therapeutic drumming program that Warren and the Symphony created for the juvenile treatment court and its impact on the juveniles, while I spoke briefly about community and spanning the silos that non-profits and courts and art entities often operate in.
Just to brag: it was an amazing seminar, Warren was incredible, there was a lot of energy and intense discussion in the room, and I had a blast. Plus I wore my "Frida Kahlo in Oz" outfit and had people coming up all the rest of the day to rave about the seminar, undoubtedly because I was the only person at the conference dressed so brightly and stood out in the seas of neutral and black outfits.
Every day at the conference there was a two and one-half hour block of time devoted to constituency meetings. Constituencies are smaller groups of similarly-placed attendees: executive directors of orchestras of comparable financial size, marketing staff, conductors, financial managers, and so on. I was a constituency of one, so did not attend any of those meetings. Instead, I wrote (adding about three thousand more words to my novel) or walked.
Downtown Cleveland is a great walkable town, ranking right up there with Chicago for me. Friday I walked from the massive Cleveland Convention Center (on Lakeside on an oblique from City Hall) past the War Memorial Fountain to Terminal Tower. From there I walked west to 6th, then strolled up through the Warehouse District back to the Convention Center. I admired the streetscape: the collection of enormous public architecture in the City Beautiful style (Daniel Burnham, who was instrumental in designing Chicago's lakefront park system, also designed Cleveland's public space), the green space (thank you, Daniel), and the rehabs and repurposed uses in the Warehouse District (turning nineteenth century commercial buildings into 21st century storefronts and downtown living space). I savored the pleasure of a good walk in a good walking downtown on a gorgeous day.
We stayed west of the downtown, out along the I90 corridor. Most of the time, Warren and I drove in and out of the downtown along the city streets, not the interstate, so I got to see some neighborhoods as well, including pocket-sized commercial districts within the neighborhoods. We stopped at one small neighborhood deli to grab some dinner and had the best gyros that I have had in years. Cities with functioning neighborhoods also rank high on my list of good places to be.
I told Warren that if someone said to me I had to move to one of the three C Ohio cities (Columbus, Cleveland, and Cincinnati), I would pick Cleveland without hesitation.
Don't get me wrong. Cleveland faces lots of serious issues including deeply embedded racism, poverty, job loss, and hunger, to name a few. The city just entered into a settled with the Department of Justice that puts into place an independent monitor and sweeping plans to limit the police department's use of force and to address, among other things, how the city police deal with community and with the mentally ill.
No, Cleveland is no golden land. But it would still be my choice for many reasons, including not feeling exposed or uneasy about the small Star of David necklace I often wear.
Our last evening there, after eating out with Warren's constituency group, we retrieved the car and started to head to the hotel. Then both of us heard loud pops—not gunfire, not something dire—but fireworks. The Cleveland Indians were in town, but these were not coming from the ballpark. Rather, they were rising up from the Port of Cleveland. Warren pulled over before we went over the Route 2 bridge and we watched the display rise into the deepening dark. Not every firework made it to the highest heights, but the ones that were lower reflected in the window glass of the Romanesque apartment building on the opposite side of the bridge.
I couldn't have scripted a better way to end the evening.
Just to brag: it was an amazing seminar, Warren was incredible, there was a lot of energy and intense discussion in the room, and I had a blast. Plus I wore my "Frida Kahlo in Oz" outfit and had people coming up all the rest of the day to rave about the seminar, undoubtedly because I was the only person at the conference dressed so brightly and stood out in the seas of neutral and black outfits.
Every day at the conference there was a two and one-half hour block of time devoted to constituency meetings. Constituencies are smaller groups of similarly-placed attendees: executive directors of orchestras of comparable financial size, marketing staff, conductors, financial managers, and so on. I was a constituency of one, so did not attend any of those meetings. Instead, I wrote (adding about three thousand more words to my novel) or walked.
Downtown Cleveland is a great walkable town, ranking right up there with Chicago for me. Friday I walked from the massive Cleveland Convention Center (on Lakeside on an oblique from City Hall) past the War Memorial Fountain to Terminal Tower. From there I walked west to 6th, then strolled up through the Warehouse District back to the Convention Center. I admired the streetscape: the collection of enormous public architecture in the City Beautiful style (Daniel Burnham, who was instrumental in designing Chicago's lakefront park system, also designed Cleveland's public space), the green space (thank you, Daniel), and the rehabs and repurposed uses in the Warehouse District (turning nineteenth century commercial buildings into 21st century storefronts and downtown living space). I savored the pleasure of a good walk in a good walking downtown on a gorgeous day.
We stayed west of the downtown, out along the I90 corridor. Most of the time, Warren and I drove in and out of the downtown along the city streets, not the interstate, so I got to see some neighborhoods as well, including pocket-sized commercial districts within the neighborhoods. We stopped at one small neighborhood deli to grab some dinner and had the best gyros that I have had in years. Cities with functioning neighborhoods also rank high on my list of good places to be.
I told Warren that if someone said to me I had to move to one of the three C Ohio cities (Columbus, Cleveland, and Cincinnati), I would pick Cleveland without hesitation.
Don't get me wrong. Cleveland faces lots of serious issues including deeply embedded racism, poverty, job loss, and hunger, to name a few. The city just entered into a settled with the Department of Justice that puts into place an independent monitor and sweeping plans to limit the police department's use of force and to address, among other things, how the city police deal with community and with the mentally ill.
No, Cleveland is no golden land. But it would still be my choice for many reasons, including not feeling exposed or uneasy about the small Star of David necklace I often wear.
Our last evening there, after eating out with Warren's constituency group, we retrieved the car and started to head to the hotel. Then both of us heard loud pops—not gunfire, not something dire—but fireworks. The Cleveland Indians were in town, but these were not coming from the ballpark. Rather, they were rising up from the Port of Cleveland. Warren pulled over before we went over the Route 2 bridge and we watched the display rise into the deepening dark. Not every firework made it to the highest heights, but the ones that were lower reflected in the window glass of the Romanesque apartment building on the opposite side of the bridge.
I couldn't have scripted a better way to end the evening.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Inch Sixty-Four: All Grown
How do you know when your children are truly grown?
When you ask if they would be willing be listed as contacts on your advance directives.
Advance directives are documents in which you direct the medical world as to end of life decisions. Many states, Ohio among them, adopted versions of them following the 1990 Cruzan decision by the US Supreme Court. In Cruzan, the Court ruled that an individual may be removed from life support if the person had left clear and convincing evidence that he would not want to be kept alive in a vegetative state. Ohio's directives, the Living Will and the Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care, apply when a person is either permanently vegetative or in a terminal condition (i.e., dying).
As I used to tell my clients, the Living Will speaks for you as to your end of life decisions and the Durable POA gives others (your agents) the right to speak for you if you are unable to.
I last signed as set of directives in 2006. Sam was still a teenager and Ben was only partway through college back then. I named Warren and my youngest brother on my directives. I could not name Sam as a minor and I did not want to burden Ben at that time in his life.
Nine years later, my boys are grown.
My sons and I have not talked about my end of life wishes, including my opposition to life support. We haven't talked about my dying. Truth is, we have not broached any of those difficult conversations.
It has only come up now because I am executing a new set of directives. I would like my sons to be listed on them, along with Warren. If end of the life decisions have to be made and I cannot speak for myself, I want these three to be able to speak for me.
I will not add either of them without permission. More than once as an attorney, I saw clients name someone as agent without discussing the matter with that person. When a medical emergency arose, the unaware agent was stunned (as opposed to being "pleasantly surprised") to be thrust into the role of having to make critical medical decisions.
So yesterday I sent Ben and Sam an email asking for their permission to name them. I will follow up with a phone call this long weekend if I don't hear back. Because of other events, I need to execute the new set this Tuesday.
Some parents have great difficulty seeing their adult children as adults. (In fairness to those parents, some adult children are so naive and unworldly that I understand the difficulty.) I am so far away in place and time from Ben and Sam that long stretches of life go by without our seeing one another face to face. When we do finally meet up, as we did in Portland last January, I am immediately aware visually just how grown up my children are. Although I call them my boys, there is no questions that they are adult men. (It also helps that I work in a juvenile court. As such, I always have a fresh and clear impression of what a teenager looks, sounds, and acts like. Young though my sons are compared to me, they are not teenagers.)
My boys are grown. I have two adult sons in their stead. And now I hope they will take on an adult role in my life.
When you ask if they would be willing be listed as contacts on your advance directives.
Advance directives are documents in which you direct the medical world as to end of life decisions. Many states, Ohio among them, adopted versions of them following the 1990 Cruzan decision by the US Supreme Court. In Cruzan, the Court ruled that an individual may be removed from life support if the person had left clear and convincing evidence that he would not want to be kept alive in a vegetative state. Ohio's directives, the Living Will and the Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care, apply when a person is either permanently vegetative or in a terminal condition (i.e., dying).
As I used to tell my clients, the Living Will speaks for you as to your end of life decisions and the Durable POA gives others (your agents) the right to speak for you if you are unable to.
I last signed as set of directives in 2006. Sam was still a teenager and Ben was only partway through college back then. I named Warren and my youngest brother on my directives. I could not name Sam as a minor and I did not want to burden Ben at that time in his life.
Nine years later, my boys are grown.
My sons and I have not talked about my end of life wishes, including my opposition to life support. We haven't talked about my dying. Truth is, we have not broached any of those difficult conversations.
It has only come up now because I am executing a new set of directives. I would like my sons to be listed on them, along with Warren. If end of the life decisions have to be made and I cannot speak for myself, I want these three to be able to speak for me.
I will not add either of them without permission. More than once as an attorney, I saw clients name someone as agent without discussing the matter with that person. When a medical emergency arose, the unaware agent was stunned (as opposed to being "pleasantly surprised") to be thrust into the role of having to make critical medical decisions.
So yesterday I sent Ben and Sam an email asking for their permission to name them. I will follow up with a phone call this long weekend if I don't hear back. Because of other events, I need to execute the new set this Tuesday.
Some parents have great difficulty seeing their adult children as adults. (In fairness to those parents, some adult children are so naive and unworldly that I understand the difficulty.) I am so far away in place and time from Ben and Sam that long stretches of life go by without our seeing one another face to face. When we do finally meet up, as we did in Portland last January, I am immediately aware visually just how grown up my children are. Although I call them my boys, there is no questions that they are adult men. (It also helps that I work in a juvenile court. As such, I always have a fresh and clear impression of what a teenager looks, sounds, and acts like. Young though my sons are compared to me, they are not teenagers.)
My boys are grown. I have two adult sons in their stead. And now I hope they will take on an adult role in my life.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Inch Sixty-Three: Evening Walk
My blogging friend Darla over at Bay Side to Mountain Side often takes her readers on walks through her neighborhoods. She always carries a camera (or else has a more sophisticated phone than I do—trust me, that's a low bar) and so her posts are punctuated with great photos showing you what she is seeing.
I thought about Darla as I walked last night. I don't carry a camera or iPad or any other device when I walk, so I told myself to pay attention to what I saw so that I could write this post later. Making myself pay attention required me to stay in the moment as I walked, instead of sorting through my schedule, court matters, or other issues. Not a bad way to walk, all in all.
A robin has nested in the ornamental cherry tree in our front flowerbed, about ten steps away from the front door. As soon as I opened the front door and stepped out, she swooped away to a nearby tree to give me time to move out of her area. That was how my walk started.
I tried to pay attention to small things:
Patricia and I have hardly seen one another all winter and rushed into each other's arms.
"Patricia!"
"April!"
I stayed a little while to visit, admiring the new candle fixture on their front porch, sitting in my favorite spot at the kitchen island, catching up with my friend. Then we hugged goodbye and I continued my walk, heading another block and a half before turning back towards home.
Steve and Debbie have just moved (this Tuesday past) into their newly built house, downsizing from their larger estate out in the county. Steve was outside, attached by a leash to a small dog, and I called out birthday greetings (thank you, Facebook) before crossing the street to talk with him. Steve and Brie (the dog) and I ended up walking two blocks together, chatting about lot splits and building restrictions and the city planner. Steve is also a lawyer whose practice has included a lot of zoning law, as did mine when I practiced, so it was a good discussion.
As we went our separate ways, I thought about how far Steve and I have come in a quarter century of knowing one another. Steve is the only lawyer with whom I openly argued in court, with both of us drawing a sharp admonishment from an otherwise congenial judge. It took me a long time to get over our initial introduction, but I eventually came to admire his professional skills and genuinely enjoy him as an individual. When I said "welcome to the neighborhood," I meant it. (And who knew that Steve was such a softie when it comes to Brie?)
I was conscious that I am walking more slowly now than before winter wiped out the frequent walks. Some of that is due to not having my walking legs under me yet, coming off of that long icy layoff. Some of that is what the myeloma or the treatment or both combined continues to extract as a toll from my life. But I'm not racing anybody or anything, especially not the clock, as I walk, and did not dwell on my steps.
By the time I reached home, I was ready to be in. Warren was at a rehearsal and would not be home until later. There was a foil-covered paper plate on the front porch; my youngest brother sent home birthday cake via my parents, who had supper with him and his wife earlier in the evening.
As I turned into our driveway towards the front walk, the robin swooped off the nest, this time flying only as far as the ground under the pine tree.She was back on the nest even before I finished closing the storm door. Apparently she decided one slow walker was not a threat, or else she was tired and wanted to be back home, in for the night.
And that is how my walk ended, tired and back home for the night, one with the robin.
I thought about Darla as I walked last night. I don't carry a camera or iPad or any other device when I walk, so I told myself to pay attention to what I saw so that I could write this post later. Making myself pay attention required me to stay in the moment as I walked, instead of sorting through my schedule, court matters, or other issues. Not a bad way to walk, all in all.
A robin has nested in the ornamental cherry tree in our front flowerbed, about ten steps away from the front door. As soon as I opened the front door and stepped out, she swooped away to a nearby tree to give me time to move out of her area. That was how my walk started.
I tried to pay attention to small things:
- The spiderwort's deep purple-blue blooms in that same front flowerbed.
- A clipped lilac hedge with the lilacs in bloom. I stuck my face in the hedge, inhaling the fragrance.
- Irises blooming in front yards.
- An old hitching post on a quiet side street.
Patricia and I have hardly seen one another all winter and rushed into each other's arms.
"Patricia!"
"April!"
I stayed a little while to visit, admiring the new candle fixture on their front porch, sitting in my favorite spot at the kitchen island, catching up with my friend. Then we hugged goodbye and I continued my walk, heading another block and a half before turning back towards home.
Steve and Debbie have just moved (this Tuesday past) into their newly built house, downsizing from their larger estate out in the county. Steve was outside, attached by a leash to a small dog, and I called out birthday greetings (thank you, Facebook) before crossing the street to talk with him. Steve and Brie (the dog) and I ended up walking two blocks together, chatting about lot splits and building restrictions and the city planner. Steve is also a lawyer whose practice has included a lot of zoning law, as did mine when I practiced, so it was a good discussion.
As we went our separate ways, I thought about how far Steve and I have come in a quarter century of knowing one another. Steve is the only lawyer with whom I openly argued in court, with both of us drawing a sharp admonishment from an otherwise congenial judge. It took me a long time to get over our initial introduction, but I eventually came to admire his professional skills and genuinely enjoy him as an individual. When I said "welcome to the neighborhood," I meant it. (And who knew that Steve was such a softie when it comes to Brie?)
I was conscious that I am walking more slowly now than before winter wiped out the frequent walks. Some of that is due to not having my walking legs under me yet, coming off of that long icy layoff. Some of that is what the myeloma or the treatment or both combined continues to extract as a toll from my life. But I'm not racing anybody or anything, especially not the clock, as I walk, and did not dwell on my steps.
By the time I reached home, I was ready to be in. Warren was at a rehearsal and would not be home until later. There was a foil-covered paper plate on the front porch; my youngest brother sent home birthday cake via my parents, who had supper with him and his wife earlier in the evening.
As I turned into our driveway towards the front walk, the robin swooped off the nest, this time flying only as far as the ground under the pine tree.She was back on the nest even before I finished closing the storm door. Apparently she decided one slow walker was not a threat, or else she was tired and wanted to be back home, in for the night.
And that is how my walk ended, tired and back home for the night, one with the robin.
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